Archive for the 'funny' Category

Is O.J. Simpson the Victim of Brain Damage?

Study Indicates Higher Rate of Dementia in Former N.F.L. Players – NYTimes.com

One of the first things I thought upon seeing this is, oh shit, OJ probably went crazy from too many concussions. People often forget the obvious fact that murder isn’t something done by mentally healthy people. Sure, if you go to jail, you are legally sane, which is to say sane enough to know what you did is wrong, but almost always there is a pathology at the headwaters of the deed. I can’t help but wonder if a tackle too many knocked something loose upstairs.

I know I’m an animist…

because I slow down when I know an empty cop car is coming up

The Simpsons

On the episode that talks about when Homer was in the Bee Sharps, I could have sworn that he said to Bart, “What did I say about swearing like a 19th century shoe black?” or something along those lines. But when I saw it just now, he said “What did I say about swearing like a grizzled 1890’s prospector?” and it even looked like the part didn’t lip sync correctly (though in those earlier episodes, the lip syncing wasn’t exactly perfect). Am I witnessing an easter egg?

Hmm…

Analogy Machine Example #2

With infinite possibilities, seemingly bothersome restrictions may not make any difference.. it may even demoralize to loosen restrictions or “burn family pictures to keep the house warm” when one could deem them absolutely inflammable and magically manage to find other fuel.

In episode 7, season 12 of South Park “Super Fun Time”, we see Butters adamantly refusing to let go of Cartman’s hand (it violates his very nature to break rules!) and the cast of the historic reenactment village adamantly refusing to break character. Despite refusing to budge on these seemingly petty issues, they triumphed anyway. Is the notion that restrictions could make the otherwise possible impossible may be very unlikely.

Here’s the real world scenario – torture

Forgetting for a second the heinousness of using torture, is adding it as an alternative likely to make impossible things possible? Will some disaster occur that could have been averted if only we allowed torture? Unlikely, though the uncreative mind would disagree. Notice that Cartman and Butters don’t even mention the possibility of letting go to get on the truck but go with the more elaborate swinging around. Cartman plays along with Butters’ more, just as Stan reluctantly does with that of the reenactors.

Imagine the hollow victory that would have been won if the cast broke their years-long (hey, they had a reputation that even the 911 operator knew of!) vow of in-character in this circumstance. It would then be excusable in any number of circumstances to break character. How sad that would be.

Hilarity…

“When his mother started going through menopause, his dad’s garage became like the Winchester House.”

Spring Haiku (春の俳句)

Spring Haiku

The air smells of pine
The grey squirrels are fucking
It shall rain again

春の俳句

松匂い
リスがやってる
雨ふりそう

(okay, I just wanted to post this picture of two squirrels going at it I took… look!)

The Ethic of Stinge [sic]

Wise men sing, the praise of largess,
As do kind men say, but surely they jest!

I can only save one bloated African,
I durst not save the unattractive one!

In my day, I have only so much time,
Woe would be I, if I just analyzed a dime!

Christ boasts oft about his love for all
But love is a heart cut out of a sheet
Am I the heart, or am I the sheet?

Can I Jesus a thousand women,
when one exhausts my money, and 5, my semen?

For to belong, you see, is to be included,
While the universe of others is excluded

(for I desire not, but a sip of your wine,
Unless I can have a goblet that’s mine)

Nature, too, is a masterful miser,
from great bear to wily spider

No creature takes shape that fills all space,
nor all of time, beyond its own race

Look around, and see:
Much enters, but none leaves the sea
and
The three toes of the sloth,
The dull colour of the moth,
The useless eyes of the mole,
The numbered days of the tail on the tadpole,
The small size of a chigger?
Realize, my friend, that God is a niggard

Gay Communist Gun Club

Gay Communist Gun Club

Good SNL skit.. and has relevance to my earlier post on the true political parties. Are the main political parties gay communist gun clubs? Indeed…

asymtote of ages

As time approaches infinity, Heaven approaches Hell. (at least Pure Land Buddhism lets you quite when you get bored)

Caveman vs. Liberal (part 1)

Meet an unfrozen (non-lawyer) caveman, Ug and a liberal, Uwe.

Uwe: We must protect that helpless seal from those evil poachers!

Ug: Seal delicious. But kill too many and Earth-Mother kill poacher.

(after a pause, then a wry smile)
Uwe: Yeah, I hope they get what’s coming to them.

Ug: Ug kill Uwe for saying stupid thing!

Uwe: No, you’re a peaceful, nature-loving people!

Ug: Yes, Ug feed Uwe to Earth-Mother.

Uwe: Yeah, see, that contradicts the “peaceful” part.

Ug: What that?

Uwe: You know, pacifism? Turn your other cheek when you get slapped?

Ug: I slap fox, fox bite. I slap bear, bear maul. I slap worm, worm burrow in soil.
Ug appears giddy
Ug: What creature learn you that?

Uwe: Jesus, but I only follow his secu-

Ug interrupts…

Ug: Where Jeezus? Ug hunt! Ug hunt! No-run-away-beast gift from Earth-Mother!

(to be continued…)

The difference between evangelists and fundamentalists

I know many outside the “faith” community are insensitive and fail to differentiate evangelists and fundamentalists, lumping them together as some sort of boogie men. Well, let me set the record straight, they are different. We faithless people are insensitive, and must learn the subtleties of the respective movements. Evangelists are people who wish to widen the breadth at which their cult enstrangles* humanity. Fundamentalists, on the other hand, are those who wish to deepen the depth at which their cult enstrangles humanity.

On the subject of evangelism, this is a bit of Jesus-humor that is lost in the translation (kinda, like the riot, “Peter, you are my rock” HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA!) You see, evangelist comes from the ancient Greek for “bringer of good news”, which is funny because they mostly warn about how hell is a real place that’s reserved for not doing what the good news-bringer tells you to do, which usually involves leaving your family and your culture and accidentally drowning yourself.

___________

*enstrangle is a perfectly crumulent word

Borat…

Portrays Kazakhs as looking rather white/middle-eastern when their appearance tends more towards the asiatic side of their gene pool. However, most Kazakh citizens are Russian ethnicity, rather than Kazakh. Anyway, please don’t think that Borat is accurate at all. Good humor exaggerates the truth (like the Simpsons does) rather than go on some other tangent, though I reckon the nugget of Borat is what it says that is true about America.

Headline from the future…

.corn domain created for spammers and phishers.

It’s not a soquid, idiots..

It’s an amorphous solid.

Protest Season

Ah, the weather is nice outside. Let’s find a cause and protest.